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neverendingmemories's Blog

When you see what you really want

The past few weeks have been crazy!  

I have finalized realized exactly what I want out of my past, and that has become a major relief off my shoulders.  I have seen that love can be everlasting.  It might change and develop but a true love is always there, in your heart and thoughts.

He was my first true love but he wasn't mine.  He meant the world to me years ago and now he is again a piece of my world but not in same context.  He is more of a best friend from the past then a lost love.  

He never did me wrong but I always felt I treated him horribly.  For him to not see it the same, actually a little opposite of my thoughts, meant that my perception of the events and those years were very one sided.  I could always see my mistakes but his were wiped from my memory.

It is nice to have an old friend, no expectation, no hard feelings, no plans for a future.  Just friends is more then I ever could of asked for!

Glad that I took that chance ... 

Ego Boost?

Many times when I look back at my past and my childhood I exam every little negative that I can find.  But a simple little sentence made me, for at least a second, re-exam myself.

I know I had it rough.  I remember days without food, water if we were lucky, electricity was the only constant because it powered the TV.  I have blamed that part of my little world on many of the choices and almost all of the mistake that I have made.  

Maybe it is about time that I start blaming my tragic youth on the success that I am seeing now!  To look in the refrigerator and see about 15 options for dinner; electric, water, cable, house payment all paid a week or more early.  The ability to be a stay at home mother of my three little ones insuring they aren't "latch key" kids!

The person was right!  I have surpassed my past and am helping to prevent it from happening to another generation.  I do believe in anyone and openly support the positive growth of people!

Cause of Autism ... REALLY

I normally avoid giving away to much personal identity on here, but after the "news" from Denmark I am LIVID! 

All of the time and energy and money that is being put into finding the cause of Autism and ASD really should be spent finding ways of helping these kids manage and understand their abilities and deficiencies!

Now I normally don't get into this argument but when Denmark started saying that 1%-3% of Autism may be in some way connected to the Flu, I feel it is time to start speaking up! 

For all we know Autism could be a form of human evolution!  There is no "set" cause.  Everyone is looking for a reason for the "not normal" kid!  Some kids could of made Bill Gates' jaw hit the floor if he saw them working with programming and computers at Elementary school ages.  Other kids would be classified as the ultimate "nerd" if it wasn't for the lack of filter or unpredictable behavior/mood and possible social issues. I really get tired of the possible causes, I don't know what truly causes Autism/ASD, hell no one does!

Every child/person with any form of ASD has their niche!  People just need to take the time, energy and money figuring out the niche and trying to expand it and encourage it!  

All that is REALLY IMPORTANT is that the parents get the assistance they need to understand and encourage their child to be the best in what they are good at!

I am NOT interested in what anyone feels could be the cause of it, because the cause is not important.  

Quiet and calm is not always good!

Things have become very crazy, loud and eventful.  Between the kids and husband something is always happening.  To my surprise this unplanned insanity of a life is actually bringing my mood up and making me see how lucky I am!

10/05/2012 What if ...

I faced a fear a little while ago, I opened up my mind to the possibility of closure on a part of my life.  It was very hard for me to open myself up to be hurt even worse then I felt I already was, but the need to voice my thoughts and apologies on that part of my past had been nagging at my heart for more then just a few years.

To know, or at least think, that you hurt someone in a way that would forever be engraved in their mind is something I couldn't handle.  I had to say my apologies and just prayed that they would be heard, not even accepted, but just heard.

To my surprise the reaction I got was astounding!  I made it clear at the beginning of the conversation that I knew I wouldn't, and didn't expect to, get any thing positive.  When he said he understood, and then started asking about my life and family it really brought tears to my eyes.  For him to say that he accepted my apology and that there was no need to worry about the past and just look toward the future as "old" friends really made me remember why I felt that it was so important for me to tell him I was sorry.

Not only was my apology accepted, but I was informed that there was no need anymore to feel bad or sorry for everything that happened.  It made us both a little bit stronger.  The more I chatted with him the more I started to think "What If."

Oh yes, the dreaded "What if" started going through my mind.  But it always ended up with me thinking, What if's would only take away the amazing family and life that I have right now.  The could of been's, I don't want.  Though they still cross my mind they always end with me thinking "but I wouldn't have my house, but I wouldn't have my babies, but I wouldn't have this silly world that is all mine."

I will always consider him a friend and I am very happy to be able to call him that now and I do owe him a huge thank you for walking away all those years ago and never looking back.  Though that lead to me hitting the worst rock bottom I had ever hit (and hopefully ever will) it lead me to the man that rescued me from myself and that man is now the man, with a big smile on my face, I have called my husband for almost 10 years now!

9/28/12 Happy?!!?!??!? Maybe...

It is very interesting that when things seem to be a little off my memories of the good times seem to overwhelm me.

Memories of attempting to take a bath (we were VERY limited due to hot water and well, just water) while my sisters tried to climb through the linen closet.

Memories of climbing in the trees in an attempt to get away from the crazy sister that had the B-B Gun at that minute (oh yes, we called that fun and it was fun as hell)

Memories of torching foam mattresses with hairspray and lighters, and we never thought it was dangerous. (we kept a drink near by to put it out)

Memories of rolling down the hill or playing in the camper not to mention collecting ring neck snack from under the old stainless steel counter type thing in the back yard.

These are the memories I wish would flood my mind more often! 
My mood: very calm

9/14/2012 I wont hurt you or your ugly dog!

 While getting some things done I just happened to remember an event involving him.

I was young, maybe 9 or 10, He was sitting at the large dinning room table just outside of my bedroom door.  The table was covered with debris from weeks or even months back.  Almost out of no where I hear his stumbling shriek "I need a refill!"  The demand and annoyance in his voice made me jump off my bed, which was actually an old torn up fake leather couch, and quickly hurry out the door to where he was. He hands me his glass and demanded his drink and ice.  Now just so you know,  his drink was pure grain alcohol, completely clear but the odor itself was almost intoxicating.  There was no light coming through the beautiful windows so I am assuming this was well after 9:00pm and since my mother wasn't the one jumping to his demands it was most likely Summer Break.
As I am walking through the narrowly cleared path in the dinning room toward the kitchen, with my little mutt dog following, he says "Don't worry I would never hurt you or your ugly dog".  The tone in his voice was pure evil with a hint of sarcasm and laughter.  I believe that just his tone scared my dog as much if not more than it did me me!

9/13/2012 Dishes

Today was an interesting flashback.  I have had it a few times before, but the details seemed more pronounced and yet dark.

While attempting to wash a plate I glanced out the kitchen window.  You must understand that right outside my window is a half dead tree.  Behind that is a paved parking lot that can be be seen because of the height of our house.  Then it is just woods. This is very similar to where I spent many horrifying and unbelievable days.

Back to the flashback of the day:

Sudden my mind throw up an image, unguarded and unconstrained image of myself in this full length, flower patterned, ruffly, little dress that would make most think of church clothes from the 80's.  I had a plate in my hand and could feel the warm water running over it.  I was looking out of the window in what seemed to be a glazed stare.  My eyes seemed, for that second, to be tear filled and yet dry at the same time.
I quickly placed the plate in the dish drainer, an old ugly tan or filthy white thing sitting on the counter next to the sink.  At the exact second I do that I feel a rough and almost stone hard hand grab my arm.

That's were this one ends. In reality, the moment I felt the hand I screeched and dropped the plate out of my hand. Thankfully it was plastic and didn't break when it hit the floor.

Next post is completely up to when my memory hands it to me!

1-8 of 8 Blogs   

Previous Posts
When you see what you really want, posted March 1st, 2013
Ego Boost?, posted November 13th, 2012
Cause of Autism ... REALLY, posted November 12th, 2012
Quiet and calm is not always good!, posted November 8th, 2012
10/05/2012 What if ..., posted October 5th, 2012
9/28/12 Happy?!!?!??!? Maybe..., posted September 28th, 2012
9/14/2012 I wont hurt you or your ugly dog!, posted September 14th, 2012
9/13/2012 Dishes, posted September 13th, 2012

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